Am I Allowed To Say This?

2020 has arguably been the best year of my life.

Today is my birthday, and the truth is, I do not always like being alive. People never believe me when I say that, but it’s true. Maybe it’s part mental illness, but I more so blame it on a hyper-awareness of the world’s ills. I’m just so awake and aware, and that can make you miserable.

So, when COVID-19 hit this year, I was unsure how I would handle it. When you don’t even like being alive in normal times, how will you cope in a disaster?

At the end of every year, I like to think about all that transpired over the past 364 days. I ponder what I would have thought if I’d known all that was to come, and I wonder what I’ll be doing at this time next year. What will have changed, what will be the same, what would I tell myself if I could? What would old me think was surprising about the new year, what would she be pleased to see, what would she hate? Et cetera.

Needless to say, 2020 has made my little exercise more interesting than usual.

Of course 2019 me could never have guessed at what was to come. But if you’d told her, it would have sounded like her worst nightmare.

“A weird disease is going to sweep across the globe. Everything will stop. People will be told to stay home and avoid others. New York City, where you just moved, is going to be the epicenter of the disease. Hundreds of people will die every day. They’ll talk about shutting down the borders. The streets will be empty. You’ll ultimately wait it out for two months, and then you’ll get out. You’ll go back to South Carolina and stay there for the rest of the year. You’ll live at home. You won’t go out for much.”

Ask 2019 Hannah how she would have taken that news. I can tell you right now: prostrate on the floor and in complete dramatics. But here is what she would have found truly unbelievable in this scenario - 2020 has arguably been the best year of my life.

Am I allowed to say that?

It feels wrong to admit it. 2020 has seen so much death, destruction, and devastation. My hardships this year do not compare to those of many, I know that. I’ve kept my job - and what’s more than that, I work for a company that has prioritized my health and well-being. I’ve had options on my location (I always worked remotely). And my loved ones and I are all healthy (thus far) and in a red state where things have been open to some degree. Believe me when I say, more than ever before, I am counting my blessings and extremely aware of the privileges afforded me and my family this year.

But still, it continues to amaze me that given these circumstances I could be so happy.

I hate being alone. I have never liked South Carolina, or small towns in general. I love my family, but I was a home for the holidays kind of girl and that was it. I liked to be on the move, in the thick of things, surrounded by people, and events, and excitement. And that was my life before all of this. I was quite literally living the high life. By the end of February this year I’d been to eight states and helped overturn the death penalty in Colorado. In between that was dinners in Manhattan, new people, fine wine, shows, and events. Everything was glitzy, the world felt like my oyster. And then the lights went down.

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I’ve seen this happen many times in my life, over and over again God has pulled me out of bad situations, away from destructive people, and used what could have been ruinous in my life for good. He did that yet again this year, I am unequivocally certain of it.

With all of the extra time off the road and isolated at home, I was able to do something I’ve always wanted to - really launch a writing career. In the wake of that effort, I became a contributor to The Washington Examiner, a Fellow for the Foundation for Economic Education (an organization that was hugely instrumental in shaping my ideology), I launched my Substack Newsletter, and my platform grew ten fold. Everything just seemed to take off this year.

On top of that, I was able to finally launch the show I’ve had in the back of my mind since 2016! BASED has done incredibly well, placing in the top ten percent of podcasts with each episode. I’m so proud of the production and all of the new skills I acquired to pull it off. There’s no way I would have had the time and energy under normal circumstances to bring this idea to fruition.

Financially, 2020 has been a blessing as well. Not paying NYC rent, and all of this increased work, has allowed me to pay off debts and build a solid foundation for my future. It was like being able to hit pause on life and just catch up.

The down time has also allowed me to focus on my health - both mental and physical. I’ve lost 20 pounds, finally found a skincare routine that works, and I feel more energized and happy than ever before.

But the biggest blessing in disguise has been the chance to move back home. Something I’m certain I never would have done under normal circumstances. I don’t even like to watch those stupid Hallmark movies, I definitely wasn’t trying to live one out. Yet, that’s what I’ve done and it has been charming. Damn you, Hallmark!

I’ve been able to play tennis on sunny afternoons with my Dad. My mom and I go shopping or to the spa. I have movie nights with my youngest brother. I’m able to visit my sister in Charleston far more frequently, and I’m in town when my other brother and his wife come in from Tuscaloosa. I’ve gotten these little moments with my family back, the simple day to day activities that you lose as you age or move away.

Getting to know my parents as an adult has changed our relationship. I know them so much better now, I understand them differently. And I just keep thinking how glad I’ll be that I had this time with them when I inevitably lose them one day. 2020 has been a gift in so many ways.

The stoics teach people to find gratitude in the moment, to be at peace with what is already happening. And to do this, they instruct people to picture losing the good things they already have, in order to be more grateful for present circumstances.

As a person who lives with an anxiety disorder, this is not a difficult exercise for me. My mind is one giant hamster wheel of bad possibilities circulating throughout the day. But 2020 has made this less of an exercise in theory and more of a present, pressing, possibility. We’ve all had to face losing loved ones, jobs, our finances, and our way of life this year - making it much easier to take note of the things we are presently grateful for.

And as we’ve been surrounded by death and destruction, by uncertainty and un-solid ground, my values have shifted. I’m not saying I’ll never go back to the big city (I can’t live without Pho forever people), but spending time with my family has become a top priority. I’ve learned to love a small town and not need to be on the go all of the time. And I’ve realized how much more productive I can be when I slow my roll.

And so I’ve spent the better part of the year in a town I dislike, living at home with my parents. And I’ve loved, treasured, and been immensely grateful for every second of it.

Catch me saying that on December 30th of 2019. No way.

I can’t fathom what my life or the world will look like this time next year. I have no idea where I’ll be living (so please quit asking me ;) or exactly what I’ll be doing (hopefully continuing to tear down the government in some capacity). But I do know this, God will continue to weave bad things into good if you let him, and I will always be immensely grateful for all 2020 brought and taught me.

…and now, enjoy this hilarious birthday meme my best friend sent me. She gets me.